


The God Complex Paradox

by nightbaron079



Category: Arashi (Band), Hey! Say! JUMP, Horikoshi RPF, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Character Death, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 03:30:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4085014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightbaron079/pseuds/nightbaron079
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SHIELD agent Yamada Ryosuke lives with his guilt, his ghosts, and his scars. As he tries to let himself heal, the organization he is a part of receives a message that threatens the fragile peace that countless lives have paid to establish.</p><p>This is the story of the orphans and the family they had made, the organization that brought itself up to arms to fight for what is right. To fight for what others still have. To fight for a chance.</p><p>This is the story of the silver-haired boy, the unlikely hero. This is a story of life and death. Of love and its many forms. Of love and its many ways.</p><p>This is a story of their humanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> SO. I participated in NaNoWriMo 2014, and this was the result. There's going to be a lot of drama, movie, TV series and literary references squeezed into this thing, so I'm sorry (not sorry) in advance for all the geekery I'll be putting you through. To give you a clue... I watch and read a lot of stuff. Yeah.
> 
> It's going to be a long ride. Thank you for taking the time to read this and go through this journey with me.

It was always the same scene.

The smell of soot and blood was thick in the air, and the gun felt heavy in his tired hands. Cries filled the air as he blinked through the haze of the first explosion.There are wounds scoring his back, making rivulets of blood run down his tattered military suit, but the only thing he saw was the burning wreck of machinery in front of him.

He couldn’t even close his eyes or look away.

No matter how many times he tried to tell his legs to move, all he can do was stare.

A scream was building up inside his throat, coming from deep within the bottom of his stomach as he finally took the first painful step.

Then another.

Then another.

Even if he wanted to close his eyes, to just sleep and forget it all, he still moved forward.

The hulking robot was a sorry state to see, its twenty-meter glory lying down on its side with the control center in its chest smashed out beyond repair. He knew that if he looked, he can find the two bodies lying in an unconscious and very dead heap over the center panels. But he can’t even find the courage to try. Instead, he dragged himself to the car wreck.

A dozen paces away the car door had been ripped away from the whole body of the car, lying in a crumpled heap like the discarded cover of a Spam can after the contents had been taken out. The bloody corpses of a man and a woman lay next to it. Somehow, the bodies had flown out of the car and landed next to each other, on their sides and facing each other. If not for the blood, you would have thought they decided to lie down in the middle of the street, amidst all the chaos, and ask each other how their day went.

Except they can’t do that anymore, can they?

 _“Help…”_ he hears a feeble voice call. Always the same voice, always the same one word.

His muscles were fighting every instinct to turn into a mass of useless jelly. Bone, skin, joint, tendon, ligament, every movement was a very conscious effort.

The last thing that he remembers was a pair of bright eyes before the flash of the next explosion.

 

 


	2. Sunday Breakfast

Yamada Ryosuke enjoys his sleep.

It’s only natural to assume that he does not enjoy being woken up from it.

He definitely didn’t enjoy being woken up by a pillow being thrown to his face.

"Oi Yamada," a voice filled with amusement said, pulling him out from the land of dreams.

It wasn’t shaping up to be a good morning.

"Whaaaaaaat," he grumbled from underneath the very comfortable nest he had made out of his blankets and pillows.

“I just want to see your face when I wake you up on a Sunday,” the voice said.

“If you don’t let me go back to sleep I’ll kill you. Then torture you. Or… whatever, I’m too sleepy to think,” Yamada replied, speech slurred with sleep. He felt a poke on the back of his head in response.

"If you don't wake up soon, you'll run out of breakfast," the voice said with a small laugh.

He begrudgingly opens one eye to look at the alarm clock on his bedside table and groaned. "Ryutaro, why the hell are you waking me up at eight in the morning?"

Ryutaro shrugged. "The sun is up."

"It's a Sunday," Yamada whined, rolling around and wrapping the blankets tighter around his body. "I'm sure that it's a crime to wake someone up before noon on a Sunday."

"It's a Sunday,” Ryutaro agreed, sitting down on the foot of Yamada’s bed. “It’s the day of the sun; you should greet the day's namesake as soon as it shows itself in the sky."

Yamada felt strong hands pushing his back, making him roll almost to the edge of the bed. He poked out his face from his blanket cocoon and glared at his friend through half-closed eyes.

"I think I hate you this morning," he declared, trying to project fierceness for all of three seconds before he let out a huge yawn.

Ryutaro sniggered, not even feeling threatened in the slightest. "Come on, Shida-san made breakfast," he said.

Yamada groaned and buried his face into his pillow. "You woke me up at eight in the morning to eat Shida's cooking? Are hospitals even open this early?" he said to his pillow.

"Don't ever say that within Shida-san's hearing range," Ryutaro said with a chuckle.

"She knows what I feel about her cooking. And pouring canned tuna over rice isn't even cooking! It's the same level as Kamiki's idea of cooking; while it's delicious, a raw egg and soy sauce over white rice isn't cooking! And I don’t like natto!" Yamada said, a speech well-repeated and often-argued when discussions came up over who was on cooking duty for the day. Ryutaro laughed and prodded at the Yamada-cocoon once more.

"I was kidding. Come on, Ohgo-san made strawberry pancakes," he said. Yamada immediately sat up, albeit with his eyes still closed and the blankets still wrapped around him.

"You should have said that first," he said, blinking rapidly and making his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks.

"I didn't know if you were awake enough to understand," Ryutaro replied.

"I could be in a coma and you could say 'Suzuka-san made strawberry pancakes' and I'd totally wake up," Yamada said.

Ryutaro laughed. "Yeah, thinking about marrying the food before the one who makes them is the exact reason why you're such a ladies' man," he said.

Yamada shrugged inside his blanket cocoon. "Whatever, she really cooks good food. She's too awesome for a loser like me," he said, then paused, raising an eyebrow at Ryutaro. "And it's too early to be talking about my nonexistent love life."

Yamada heard Ryutaro mutter "you make it that way" under his breath but chose not to comment, instead rolling around in the bed some more to get every last bit of sleep-induced warmth from it. Ryutaro sighed, standing up from the foot of Yamada's bed and heading out of the bedroom.

"Don't say I didn't try to wake you up, okay? If you don't come down in the next fifteen minutes, don't blame me if Shintaro eats your share,” he warned Yamada.

Yamada stopped rolling around and sat up once again. "He wouldn't dare," he said in horror.

Ryutaro shrugged, his head near to brushing Yamada's doorframe. "I can't control him."

"He's your brother!" he called out to Ryutaro's retreating back.

"Still can't control him! Survival of the fittest, man," Ryutaro said over his shoulder before the door closed.

Yamada groaned and flopped back onto his pillow, enjoying the last moments of his peaceful Sunday before he gets shuffled around to what would seem like another busy day at the Jimusho.

Even mealtimes are a freaking battle.

 _Great_.

"And he awakes!" Chinen declared, grinning widely and raising his tea cup to toast Yamada's entrance into the dining room.

"I think he's still not aware he's awake," Kamiki stage-whispered, motioning towards the blanket still wrapped tightly around Yamada. The latter trudged up to the table and slumped in his seat, dozing off and promptly slamming his forehead on the table. Shintaro guffawed around a mouthful of pancake and Ryutaro leaned back on his seat, joining in at Kamiki and Chinen's easy, carefree laughter.

"How are you guys so _perky_? I can barely be functional this early," Yamada complained as he sat back up rubbing at his forehead.

"Because they are functioning people who know how to follow an alarm clock and you are a twenty-four year old adult who was never a morning person," Shida said, slapping a cold compress to the red welt starting to form on Yamada's forehead. Yamada yelped, hands scrabbling for the ice bag.

"That hurt! You could be more gentle about it," he said indignantly. Shida let out a certainly unladylike snort, now placing a steaming coffee mug in front of Yamada.

"Here you go, coffee as hot as your abs and as black as your soul," she said sweetly. Kamiki choked over his own coffee and Chinen grinned into his tea cup as Yamada set down the ice bag and put his hands over his heart, pretending to swoon.

"You really know how to make a guy feel special," he simpered, fluttering his eyelashes for added effect.

"So I've been told," she countered, winking at Kamiki before going back to the kitchen. Yamada gaped after Shida as Kamiki's whole face turned an alarming shade of red, coughing violently from the sip of coffee he had just taken. Chinen patted Kamiki on the back serenely, a mischievous smirk on his face. Yamada groaned and covered his ears.

"Shida, gross!" Yamada yelled at the direction of the kitchen.

"It was a joke! And that's where all people come from, including you, idiot!" she yelled back.

"I think I just heard way too much information about my friends' sex lives," Chinen mused, rubbing soothing circles on Kamiki's back as the latter tried to recover from choking on his morning coffee. “It's not even noon.”

"Can we not talk about sex right now? I'm eating!" Shintaro complained with a groan.

"We could see, since you insist on talking with your mouth full," Ryutaro said to his brother, the expression on his face hovering between disgusted and scandalized.

"This conversation is too early for me to have without caffeine," Yamada muttered as he nursed his coffee, letting the aroma help in waking up his brain.

"Oh, I don't know, I may have heard questionable noises when I went to drink water last night," Chinen said, raising his eyebrows at Kamiki's direction and _simpering_. The siblings simultaneously groaned, Ryutaro pushing away his plate and Shintaro actually looking queasy.

“If you start making sex jokes, Chinen, I swear—“Ryutaro threatened.

"Can we please talk about something else?" Kamiki pleaded, covering his face with his hands.

"Agreed," Yamada said quickly. He reached for the ice pack, but somebody was already holding it up to press it gently to his forehead after placing a stack of strawberry pancakes in front of him.

"Good morning, Einstein," Ohgo said, ruffling Yamada's bed hair, silver tufts sticking out in every impossible, gravity-defying direction. He smiled up at her and leaned into her hand, closing his eyes and sniffing at the pancakes.

"Good morning," he said, a dreamy smile on his face. She laughed and patted him on the head, and he smiled at her again before digging into his breakfast. A moan escaped from his lips as the assortment of flavors hit his tongue: strawberries that are the right balance between firm and melt-in-your-mouth gooey, fluffy whipped cream, buttery soft pancakes and sugary maple syrup.

"Gross Yamada, keep your sex sounds to yourself," Chinen said. Yamada choked on his fork as Kamiki halfheartedly threw a napkin at Chinen and facepalmed.

"Really, Chinen? This early?" Ryutaro complained as Shintaro stood up, carrying his plate to the kitchen and muttering "I give up, I'm not hungry anymore" under his breath.

"What? Yamada started it," Chinen innocently pointed out.

"I wasn't making sex sounds, you twerp," Yamada said, all righteous indignation.

"Please refrain from talking about or having sex on the dinner table," Ohgo said, going into the room with a serene smile on her face and bearing more pancakes in both hands. Everyone else reddened (except perhaps Chinen, who never seemed embarrassed about anything he does in his life) as she all gave them a meaningful glance.

“Sorry,” they all said. Yamada glared at Chinen once more, to which the latter replied with a smirk and a shrug.

“Definitely too early for this,” Yamada muttered, shoving another forkful of pancakes into his mouth. Ohgo sat down beside him, setting down a final platter of pancakes in the middle of the table and helping herself to tea.

“Sorry for waking you up so early,” she said.

“Not your fault,” he answered, grinning widely at Ohgo. The tissue dispenser came flying at Yamada’s direction, stopping short near his elbow. Yamada looked up at the culprit, eyebrows knitted together into a death glare of the sleep-deprived.

“You had strawberry bits on your face,” Chinen said innocently.

“Why call us together this early though?” Kamiki asked, smoothly interrupting the brewing quarrel as he nervously eyed the dispenser that Yamada had grabbed. Ohgo bit her lip, taking a sip of tea before answering.

“Yabu-san called. He said Yaotome-san wanted a meeting,” Ohgo said. Yamada sighed and set down the tissue dispenser, rapidly losing his appetite.

“Did he say anything else?” Ryutaro asked, straightening up in his seat.

Ohgo shook her head. “You know how Yaotome-san is; he always loved playing the mystery card,” she said, her tone resigned.

Yamada pushed around the strawberry on his plate with his fork and drew sticky circles with the leftover syrup, a frown on his face. “Ninomiya-san approved of the meeting himself?” he clarified.

Ohgo nodded, eyebrows furrowing. “Yes. I asked if it couldn’t wait for the regular morning meeting for tomorrow, but Yabu-san said that Yaotome-san had urgent matters to discuss. Also, Ninomiya-san apparently has announcements of his own.”

Yamada nodded, accepting a coffee refill from Shida as she sat down across from him. “That probably means new assignments, since those can only be done in his presence,” she said, adding milk and sugar to her coffee. “What’d you think is so urgent that it couldn’t wait until a regular workday meeting?”

Kamiki raised an eyebrow, taking a drink from his mug before replying. “Heard from the grapevine that the Weapons Development team got a new protégé of some sort,” he said. “Apparently he’s a SARI recruit.”

“Maybe Yaotome-san wanted to get introductions over with as soon as he can?” Shintaro guessed, emerging from the kitchen while wiping his hands with a dish towel. “Though that’s Yabu-san’s job, being Operations Division leader and all.”

“Nah, that could wait until tomorrow. Besides, Inoo-san can do the introductions for any new additions to his team by himself; he wouldn’t make Yaotome-san do it,” Ryutaro replied. Yamada saw Chinen and Shida exchange a knowing smile and grinned to himself. Everyone but the Morimoto siblings knew of the ongoing bet as to when the leader for the Weapons Development and Logistics Divisions would realize their feelings for each other.

Yamada was betting the two Division leaders would get together before any of his friends realize what _they_ feel for each other.

“Since Ninomiya-kun is involved, maybe Prime Minister Kitagawa has something in mind?” Chinen suggested. His tone was casual, but Yamada caught on to the edge in his voice. He looked up to see Chinen flicking his gaze away at the last moment, Kamiki subtly tugging at the latter’s sleeve.

“You think it has something to do with the Nakajima siblings’ case?” Shintaro asked, sitting down next to Shida.

“Shin!” Ryutaro scolded, swatting at the back of his brother’s head.

“Ow, what did I do?!” Shintaro said indignantly, rubbing at the sore spot on his head.

“Yamada-kun, you’re shaking…” a voice said beside him. He felt Ohgo’s gentle fingers prying the fork from his grip. Faintly, he heard the swish of fabric as Shida’s napkin hit Shintaro’s head and Ohgo’s voice when she asked if he was okay. He nodded his head, his brain a figurative state of waterlogged (memory-logged, guilt-ridden; he was scared to put the right name to it) as he drew his chair back and stumbled out of the dining area.

He needed to get away. Away from the questions in everyone’s expressions, the worry that he had tried so hard to not show in their eyes when they look at him. But one mention of that surname, one mention of the siblings’ existence and he was eighteen years old again.

He was eighteen years old, helpless, blood that wasn’t his dripping from his hands, and the stench of death hanging in the air. Hanging from his clothes.

Hanging from his neck.

Death was everywhere.

He knelt down, his knees hitting the soft mats of what a small part of his brain recognized as the training room. His hands fisted at the rubber, nails digging into the material.

He closed his eyes, opened his mouth, and screamed.

Chinen found him in the training room an hour later, sweating through the thin tank top he had slept in as he viciously beat up a punching bag.

“At least you remembered to wear gloves and padding this time,” Chinen commented, sitting cross-legged on top of a treadmill’s running track. Yamada didn’t answer, throwing a series of jabs at the punching bag and finishing with a powerful right hook. The punching bag swayed dangerously in its chain. Yamada held it between his gloved hands to keep it steady, panting out sputtering, uneven breaths.

“Are you feeling okay now?” Chinen asked. Yamada nodded his head against the punching bag, eyes closed.

“Good. Because I’m here to talk about you and the Nakajima siblings,” Chinen said.

Yamada’s eyes flew open as he pushed away the punching bag from his body. “Not now Chinen, please,” he said, his posture tired and defeated.

Chinen glared at him. “No. We are having this conversation right now,” he said. “We are having a meeting in less than five hours, and if they are in any way the main agenda then I expect you to be an adult about it and not forget your responsibilities.”

Yamada stayed silent, glaring mutinously at a patch of floor near Chinen’s knee.

Chinen sighed. “Look, I know you have issues about working in anything directly concerning them, but this moment would come sooner or later, no matter how hard you try to avoid it,” he said in a quiet but matter-of-fact tone. “We basically owe our existence to their family and the prime minister, and their family company is our benefactor. But you have to do this, Ryosuke.”

At the sound of his name, Yamada instinctively jerked his head up and met Chinen’s gaze. They stared at each other for a few moments before Yamada sighed and hung his head.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. Chinen stood up and draped a towel over Yamada’s head, patting the top of it gently afterwards.

“Take a shower and get some rest. We have to make you look pretty for the bloodbath,” he said.

“Stop exaggerating, Chinen, it’s just a meeting,” Yamada replied. But as Chinen left him alone with his trademark sinister smile on his face, he wondered if it was more than just an expression.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun chapter to write! I got to explore the relationship of the characters as they sit down for Sunday breakfast :) Also banter is always fun. We got to meet a bunch of characters important to the story for this chapter, and if you're wondering where the rest of the HSJ members are, we'll meet them soon :) Also I may have not-so-subtly hinted on people.
> 
> Thank you for everyone reading this and the warm response it's been getting. Constructive criticism is more than welcome, and questions that are spoiler-free when answered will be accommodated! See you next chapter!


	3. Assignments

“Yamada, you’re staring,” Chinen hissed under his breath. He started, straightening in his seat and willed himself to not blush from getting caught.

“No I wasn’t,” Yamada answered, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You totally were,” Ryutaro whispered from his other side. They were all seated around the long table in the conference room of the SHIELD headquarters, waiting for their executive director to arrive. The rest of the people from the breakfast table were already seated around the table as well, but all of the Division leaders except for Shida (Medical Support Division leader, because she’s badass like that) were huddled at one end, an unfamiliar guy seated with them.

Yamada had looked up when the stranger entered the conference room with Inoo, instantly drawn in by his height. Being dressed in the same lab coat that bore the logo of the Special Analysis Research Institute (more commonly known as SARI) like the one Inoo always wore, he assumed that he was the Weapons Development Division protégé that Kamiki mentioned. He tilted his head, memorizing the new guy’s features as he wildly gestured while speaking, his long limbs further emphasizing his movements. The guy wore black-rimmed glasses, and he had a habit of pushing it up the bridge of his nose when they slip down from his vigorous way of talking.

Yamada leaned back on his chair, his interest piqued. SHIELD—which stood for Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate—had an unspoken recruitment-only policy, and for someone to already be in contact with majority of the Division leaders on such a familiar level was something that rarely happened. With the delicate nature of the state of its official business, it was but a necessary precaution; the less people knew about the real danger of the world, the easier it was to minimize the damage control they had to implement at times of national emergency. Even the SHIELD headquarters, simply known as the Jimusho to the agents, was only known to the top agents of the agency. Despite having over a thousand employees, only a few of them are given Level Three and higher security clearance, which gives them access to the inner workings and planning that the organization does in its crime prevention efforts. The SHIELD special agents get Level Three; the Division leaders get Level Two, while only their executive director gets the all-access Level One security clearance in directly handling matters such as illegal slave trade, international terrorism, and the prevention of countries forming secret alliances and starting another world war.

SHIELD had started as a top secret international organization, privately founded and funded by the Nakajima family, owners of multi-billion multinational corporation SARI. Upon the death of the founders in a terrorist attack disguised as a freak accident and leaving their still underage children as the heirs to the organization, Prime Minister Kitagawa, as the siblings’ legal guardian, assumed temporary leadership over SHIELD and passed the SHIELD Act. In this law, he legalized the existence of SHIELD but kept it confidential from public knowledge, and had it utilized as an organ of the United Nations, with vast technological resources at its disposal, with U.N. General Assembly Resolutions and legislation in signatory nations aiding many of their operations. SHIELD employed people based on a set of skills, ranging from but not limited to physical and mental prowess. Technically it is still under the ownership of SARI’s heirs apparent, but with the legal freedom it now enjoys it could be more useful to a wider range of people, in addition to the support it now gets from the scientific community as a whole.

One of the greatest technical innovations that SHIELD has contributed are fighting robots called IDENs, set to be operational with pilots having the same genetic code found exclusively in siblings. It was a public symbol of protection, boosting the morale of the people even though it is not publicly recognized under SHIELD’s name for the interest of public safety.

Yamada had flown one of the IDENs once, with his older sister and younger sister. He remembered waving at the people from behind the missile-proof glass even though they can’t see him. Remembered being teased by his sisters by treating every mission with the same excitement as he did with his first one, all starry-eyed and innocent wonder at the way the IDEN connected him to his siblings in ways he never thought was even possible.

He blinked, shaking his head and the memories away with it.

Now was not the time for nostalgic trips down memory lane.

“Just a newbie and already rubbing elbows with the Division leaders,” Shida now said, leaning on her elbows and raising an eyebrow at the huddle. “This kid really knows how to network. I’m a bit impressed.”

“Shouldn’t you be in that circle and talking about top-secret Division leader things or something?” Ryutaro asked. “All the other Division leaders are there with the new guy.”

Shida shook her head and shrugged. “Wasn’t invited to the party. They’d probably tell me if they feel like it’s important, as usual. And I could always just ask Mikki to dig up the dirt on the new guy if I want to,” she said. Kamiki looked up from where he was thumb-wrestling with Shintaro when he heard Shida say his name, instantly losing the moment he shifted his focus.

“I am _not_ doing that again,” Kamiki said firmly, shaking out his hand and checking if all his bones are still intact.

Shida laughed. “Sure you won’t. Like you didn’t get arrested—“

“That was _one time_ , and hey! My teacher was harassing my classmate—“

“—and yet you’re still a hacker. Who scouted you for SHIELD, asked for your special reprieve and the charges against you be dropped again?” she asked sweetly.

“…You did,” Kamiki said begrudgingly, pouting.

“Glad we had this conversation,” she said with a smile, nodding in satisfaction.

“Mirai-chan, we mustn’t tease,” Ohgo admonished Shida. She then looked at Kamiki and smiled. “Right, Hornet-kun?”

Kamiki groaned. “Can we stop with the teasing with the hacker name?” he said.

Yamada grinned. “Never,” he said with familiar glee, his tone telling that they have done this before. “Why would we, it’s cute! Naming yourself Hornet because you felt sorry for the bees Winnie the Pooh bothered for his honey?”

“I was _nine_!”

“And very adorable until now,” Chinen said, smirking.

Kamiki planted his forehead on the table, sighing dramatically. “Why am I friends with all of you again?” he asked the table at large.

“Because besides Ohgo-san, we’re all horrible people and you’re the most decent person in our group?” Ryutaro said.

Kamiki raised his head and looked at Ryutaro. “You really think that way?” he asked.

Ryutaro nodded seriously. “Yeah, can I exchange you for my brother?” he said in the same tone.

“Hey!” Shintaro complained. “No fair, I’d exchange you first!”

Everyone laughed, making the huddle of Division leaders look at them. Yamada caught the gaze of the stranger on his unruly silver hair and raised his eyebrow at him. The stranger coughed and blushed, looking away first. He smiled to himself, but covered his head with the hood of his jacket all the same.

The door to the conference room opened once again, everyone immediately standing up. Their executive director has arrived, shrugging out of his black coat and waving his hand for everyone to sit down.

“Good, everyone’s here,” Ninomiya said, sitting down on his chair at the head of the table and leveling a glare at the Division leaders. “This better be worth my time. I was battling a boss in Kingdom Hearts.”

Yabu cleared his throat and nodded, gripping the edges of the table as he stood up. “We apologize for calling everyone in during a weekend, but a number of events have come to our attention that require our immediate action,” he said, then hesitantly looked at the other Division leaders. Yamada bit his lip to hide a smile. Their Operations Division leader can face down tanks and bombs with a perfectly calm expression, but he shook like a leaf at any situation requiring public speaking.

Daiki sighed and stood up, reaching up to pat Yabu on the shoulder and making him sit down. Yabu shot him a grateful smile as Daiki walked to the podium in front of the room, hooking his laptop to the projector and dimming the lights. The screen remained a black, blank expanse for a few seconds until it blinked into life, showcasing the SHIELD logo before Daiki opened a case file marked as “リストラ”.

“’ _Risu… tora_ ’? Doesn’t that mean squirrel… tiger?” Shintaro asked, reading the katakana file name and staring at the project file in confusion. “Is this a zoology lesson?”

Daiki smiled and shook his head. “While it’s true that _risu_ and _tora_ mean squirrel and tiger respectively, furry animals aren’t the subject of today’s meeting. It’s something that may very well threaten the security of the whole country, and if we don’t stop it, it can mean worse things for the entirety of the world,” he said.

Everyone noticeably straightened up in their seats. Daiki was one of the more easygoing Division leaders, but when he does step up everyone knows he means serious business. Ninomiya had put his elbows on the table and was watching the screen over his fingers laced tightly together, watching the items on the screen as Daiki pulled out several pictures of different transactions concerning drugs and weapons with massive firepower.

“The word risutora means “restructure” in English, and it’s a word that companies use when they bootleg old employees, operating systems and procedures in order to make way for newer schools of thought, equipment and manpower. We think these people are operating under the same principle,” Daiki said, his mouth turning downwards into a frown as he looked at the projected images. “The frustrating part is that we don’t have concrete evidence that leads back to this group.”

Ninomiya had stood up, looking at the images projected on the screen. He heaved a big sigh before pulling out a tablet. After pressing a few buttons, he swiped his hand across the screen. The light of the screen came with his hand as he hovered it over the table before placing his palm flat against it. The whole center panel of the meeting room table lighted up, becoming a 3D holographic screen that briefly showed the SHIELD logo before showing pictures of five men. They all looked around Ninomiya’s age, their brief profiles enumerated beside each image.

“Ohno Satoshi, Sakurai Sho, Aiba Masaki, Matsumoto Jun, Ikuta Toma,” Ninomiya said, rattling off their names. “You may recognize them as cabinet secretaries of the current administration, but aside from their day jobs they’re also SHIELD agents. Basically, they’re also Level One agents, and they’ve all been submitting reports with this recurring theme that sounds very similar to this ‘risutora’ group, whatever they are.”

“...is it okay for you to share their identities to us Ninomiya-san?” Chinen said after a considerable length of silence.

Their director raised his eyebrow at the latter. “Yes, because they need protection from SHIELD as well, and there is relevant information concerning them,” he said, leveling his gaze at the people around the table as his hand moved to project another image to the screen. “They all received the same letter with the same message.”

The pictures of the five cabinet secretaries disappeared, replaced with an image of a sheet of scanned paper. It was nondescript paper, burned at the edges with distinct but faded spots of rusty red splattered at irregular intervals over it.

Yamada had been injured enough in battle to recognize bloodstains when he sees them.

The words written in charcoal read: “ _With your death, we are one step closer to restructuring the perfect world._ ”

There was a chill in the quiet that had settled in the room.

“Arioka,” Ninomiya said, his hand curling into a loose fist on the control panel of the table. “Any leads?”

“We don’t have precise information as to how many members they have at the moment and what their exact plans are, but from what we’ve gathered and as their name suggests, their plans seem to be a part of a bigger scheme of world restructuring to fit their own terms, basically,” he said in reply to the executive director’s question. “We’ll do our best, Ninomiya-san.”

Ninomiya’s face was grim, but he nodded at Daiki’s statement and sat down, closing down the holograph of the foreboding letter that he was projecting through the table. Yamada didn’t know much about the cabinet ministers, but he did have a dull memory of their executive director sitting with them in one of the many executive functions he had had to attend as representative of SHIELD. He didn’t know that they were close enough to warrant the intensity of Ninomiya’s concern.

“Terrorist group?” Hikaru asked, spinning a pen between his fingers.

“It looks like it, but it seems like they could have started as a religious order,” Daiki said, pulling out another batch of pictures. “They’re actually connected to a number of business establishments that are officially registered and legally recognized. My division is trying to keep tabs on everything we can confirm, but the group just adds more and more establishments to its rosters.”

“This sounds tricky,” Kamiki whispered as he leaned back on his seat. Yamada was staring at the pictures as Daiki began to explain how the group may possibly be tied to terrorism attempts that SHIELD has dealt with in the past when he got distracted by an incessant tapping he could feel through the wood of the conference table. He tilted his head, frowning at the way the stranger was drumming his pen to the table to a beat only he could hear. Settling back to his seat, he crossed his arms over his chest from where he was leaning on the table so he couldn’t feel the vibrations on the wood.

“It’s not much information, but it’s best to be prepared. Yaotome-kun’s here to explain our proposed plan of action and some new assignments,” Daiki said. “Does anyone have any questions?”

Daiki looked around, nodding when he didn’t find any objections before leaving the podium and passing a folder to a tall guy whose mouth was turned up in the corners in a natural smile. He clapped his hands together, making both Ryutaro and Shintaro jump.

“Okay, after that boring talk, let’s talk strategy!” Hikaru said with a grin, ignoring the noise of protest that Daiki made. “Graphs! Charts! Squiggly lines that look scientific but really, I just like the colors—”

“Get to the point, Yaotome,” Ninomiya cut in. Undeterred, Hikaru nodded his head and opened another file.

“As the brilliant people over at Weapons Development will explain later, SHIELD has been developing a new project, the details of which are still under wraps. That’s also the reason why we have this tall annoying kid with us in this meeting,” he said, nodding his head towards the direction of the stranger. “He may not look much but he’s the project head. Leader. Nerd overlord supreme. Whatever you want to call him, really, you guys are creative enough—”

“Yaotome,” Ninomiya said, a warning in his voice. Hikaru stopped and cleared his throat, grinning apologetically at their executive director.

“Right, sorry about that,” he said, looking down at his notes. “In line with this new project, we will be putting all qualified IDEN pilots into a new training regime. This new schedule is supposed to help them prepare for submission into whatever the Weapons Development is cooking up. Ryutaro, Shintaro, that means you two.”

Beside Yamada, Ryutaro nodded, his jaw set into a hard line. Shintaro let out a quiet, shaky breath but nodded in affirmation.

“I have to arrange for the additional guards for the cabinet members, Ninomiya-san,” Hikaru said, addressing their executive director. “I’ll convene with the Operations Division and be ready with a list of recommended candidates by the end of the day.”

Ninomiya nodded in acquiescence to Hikaru’s statement. Yamada wondered if he would be qualified enough to guard the cabinet members. He was officially a part of the Operations Division, but since he was now unqualified as a IDEN pilot he was often relegated to surveillance duty of people needing SHIELD assistance (or as Chinen called it, “James Bond with the fancy suits but without the token arm-candy women”).

“Intel would be expanding their search and surveillance into other businesses and establishments of interest. You know what to do,” Hikaru continued. Daiki nodded and looked over at Kamiki, Ohgo and Chinen, who all nodded back in affirmation.

“Medical support would also be working close with Weapons Development in this project. It’s a lot of science stuff, I guess, so please feel free to coordinate as much as possible,” Hikaru said, looking over at Shida. She straightened in her seat and nodded, but Yamada caught the hint of surprise at the subtle way her lips tightened.

Yamada wasn’t looking forward to Shida’s rant about being left out of information that she should know considering her rank, chalking it all up again to being the youngest Division leader, and being female to boot. Truth be told, Shida has ways of procuring information before other Division leaders via Kamiki and Chinen, but Yamada guessed formality really mattered in these aspects.

SHIELD is divided into three main divisions with its own sub-divisions, all equal in rank but succinctly different in operational hierarchy. The Logistics Division is highest in the order, with Intelligence and Operations divisions following respectively. The Weapons Development and Medical Support are technically Logistics sub-divisions and are given special autonomy as separate divisions, but since they are originally outside organizations absorbed into SHIELD (the Technological and Medical departments of SARI, to be exact) they are not looked upon as the same rank when the first military officers that were self-appointed leaders had set up SHIELD. Little did they know that these divisions would soon be the backbone of the whole organization.

Hikaru gathered his note cards together. “If you guys don’t have any questions or violent reactions, that just means I explained everything perfectly and gives me points for being awesome as usual. I’ll pass the stage to Inoo-chan and the fresh meat then,” he said, looking at everyone with mock strictness in his eyes. “Remember guys, be gentle.”

Yamada laughed along appreciatively with the rest, Ninomiya even breaking a reluctant smile. Hikaru really did his best to lighten the usually heavy mood that accompanied the meetings, but despite his usual goofy attitude everyone knew he does his job well and constantly exceeds expectations.

Plus, everyone didn’t really want to make any of the Division leaders angry. There were reasons why they were the Division leaders in the first place.

By the way Shida scolds everyone during mealtimes, it was a natural reaction.

Yamada watched as Hikaru returned to his seat, pausing to grip Inoo gently on the shoulder before sitting down. The smirk on Chinen’s face widened as they saw Inoo smile back at Hikaru. Yamada let out a small laugh, immediately getting an elbow in his side courtesy of Shida. Ninomiya gave them a noteworthy stink-eye.

“You kids, pay attention! Inoo-kun, your turn,” Ninomiya said. Yamada shrank back in his seat, mollified. Inoo stood up elegantly from his seat, going up to the podium and smiling at everyone.

“So, we have fresh blood with us today,” he said pleasantly. “He’s actually an import from SARI, and I know it feels a bit weird to see him in a SHIELD meeting so quickly, but he comes with high recommendations from Yoshitaka-san, as Ninomiya-san can attest.”

“Shut up and just continue your report, you punk,” Ninomiya said in reply, scratching the top of his nose with his finger in an effort to hide the embarrassed blush that was coloring his cheeks and neck. Though discreet, the relationship of the SHIELD executive director and the SARI executive directress was a well-known secret to everyone in SHIELD with a level three security clearance or higher. Inoo winked at the table, and Yamada and the others have to hide the grins forming on their faces.

“Also as previously mentioned, the project is still under wraps, but we would like the rest of SHIELD to get a heads up on how important it is for us to protect the development of this project. In line with this, we would like to formally ask the assistance of the Medical Support division to aid us for the sake of the successful completion of this project, as this may help us prevent crimes and evil in more humane ways.”

“He really has a dramatic way of talking,” Ryutaro muttered under his breath. “Flowery, even.”

Yamada shrugged. “It’s Inoo-kun,” he said. “It’s as natural to him as breathing. And it’s not like Chinen talks any different.”

“I heard that!” Chinen whispered indignantly.

“Will you guys stop being children for a few minutes and listen quietly?!” Shida hissed.

“Why am I included?!” Ryutaro complained.

Inoo cleared his throat, and everyone quietened immediately.

“Since you’re all curious, let’s not make this any longer,” he said, when he was sure he had everyone’s attention. “Everyone, meet SARI’s protege! He’s Naka—”

“Nakayama Yuto!” the guy hurriedly interrupted, standing up from his seat. “Please feel free to call me Yuto. Pleased to make everyone’s acquaintance!”

Yamada’s eyebrow quirked up in surprise at the newcomer’s actions. Across from him Chinen sat back on his chair, his brow furrowed as he stared at the person who just introduced himself as Nakayama Yuto.

Ninomiya frowned at Yuto. “Alright then,” he said, gazing thoughtfully at the newest member of SHIELD’s upper echelons. “I know you’re new here kid, so I’ll give you some slack. But next time, don’t interrupt your elders or your division leaders. You may be quite the special case, but we have rules here. Understood?”

Yuto flushed a dull red as he nodded his head fervently. “Understood. I’m sorry,” he said, bowing to the executive director. They looked at each other for a long moment before Ninomiya nodded. Yuto then turned to the rest of the table and bowed to them as well.

“I’m Yuto from SARI. I’m still inexperienced, so please favor me,” he said. Yamada bowed with the rest in unison and Yuto sat back down on his seat. Chinen was still frowning, but he caught Yamada’s inquiring glance and shook his head in reply.

“Well, since that’s over and done with, I’m passing the floor to Yabu-kun then,” Inoo said, grinning at the groan his statement had elicited from the Operations Division leader. “Come on Orator of the Year, your turn.”

“Why do I have to do this?” Yabu grumbled as he stood up from his seat.

“Can you just get this over with, please? There’s a couple of beers in my fridge with my name on it waiting for me,” Ninomiya said. Yabu nodded nervously and stumbled his way to the podium.

“Right,” he said, gripping the edges of the podium like a lifeline. “It’s mostly assignment news, but it’s quite a list and I want to make this clear before we get to work tomorrow. The assignments will be effective starting tomorrow and are all approved by the executive director, and are permanent until further notice.”

Yabu looked at everyone nodding their heads in acquiescence before looking at the list he had made. “First of all, we have Nak—Yuto-kun in Weapons Development, recruited from SARI. He’ll be in immersion and may be reviewed for total absorption into SHIELD ranks,” he said, his voice a bit shaky. “For the duration of this project, he is to be granted level three security clearance and would be given the rights and privileges attached to said title.”

“Second, we’re also upgrading the status of Kawaguchi Haruna-san in Weapons Development from level five to level four security clearance. She will be granted special level three privileges in line with her projected assistance to the project Weapons Development has created, but since these privileges are temporary it means that she will only be admitted into meetings that are directly involved with her contributions to it. She’s one of the youngest research professors from Toudai and she’s worked with Yuto-kun before, right?” Yabu said, angling his head to Yuto for confirmation and was answered with a nod. “She’s also a recruit from SARI, so I believe she’s more than capable for the job.”

Across the table from him, Yamada saw Ohgo taking down notes of the meeting. Chinen was still staring at Yuto with the same small frown on his face. Yamada was willing to bet that Chinen was probably listing down the ways in which he can research the hell out of every tiny detail he could about the new SHIELD recruit. He turned back his attention to Yabu, who explained that in line with the project, Yuto was also going to be working with the Medical Support team. Shida nodded her head and bowed back in Yuto’s direction before leaning back on her seat with a small smile on her face, the back story of which Yamada wasn’t very eager to find out.

“Ohgo-san will also be working with Intel in regards with the matter of this Risutora group. Their movements are expanding faster than what we initially expected, so we need all the help we can get,” Yabu said. Ohgo tucked her hair behind her ears and nodded, going back to her notes and scribbling with a renewed energy.

“Chinen… well, just do the usual,” Yabu said. A corner of Yamada’s lips raised in amusement at this. Chinen was a special case in his own right in SHIELD. Most people have one set division assignment, and although it is not uncommon for people to get secondary assignments in other divisions in some cases, Chinen dabbles with all three main divisions. While technically he is specifically under Hikaru in the Logistics division, his presence is very prominent in both Intel and Operations. Yamada and Chinen don’t talk much about it, but in the simplest terms he was unofficially Ninomiya’s assistant more than anyone else, and probably knew more about what’s happening in SHIELD than he usually let on.

Chinen smirked in reply to this. “Oh, I’ll do it, and be awesome at it,” he said confidently. Yabu smiled at this and nodded before looking down at his notes once again.

“As for Operations, we’ll be adding two new people into Battle Class Horikoshi,” he said. His mouth was pressed into a thin line, and Yamada shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Battle Class Horikoshi was the name SHIELD gave to the group of IDEN pilots that they have. As the engineering only allowed for siblings to enable and operate them, this group is one of the most highly coveted positions in SHIELD. It is also one of the hardest to fill, what with such specific and hard to fulfill requirements. The operating system of IDENs also technically allowed for parent-and-child operators as co-pilots, but as the genetic bond is stronger amongst full-blooded siblings they are more utilized. They also have to consider the physical conditions of the parents, who are often more frail and vulnerable to fatigue and causing the metal suits to overheat. Ten years ago, the efforts were solely focused to finding siblings who could be compatible to operating IDENs than wasting precious resources in making parent-children operators more suitable for the demands that Battle Class Horikoshi asks of them.

There is also the matter of emotional attachment and the rate in which while highly coveted, Battle Class Horikoshi still has the steadiest top mortality rate among any other SHIELD division.

Yamada understood Yabu’s reaction. While Battle Class Horikoshi is in constant need of new applicants, it is a huge responsibility to ask from anyone to commit to for the rest of their lives.

After all, Yamada should know this more than anyone.

“The Irie siblings Jingi and Saaya would be promoted to level three security clearance status, and will undergo the improved training schedule I will be administering in accordance to the revised plans made with the Weapons Development and Logistics division,” Yabu said, reading off from his list. The picture of the Irie siblings showed up on the projected screen, and Yamada recognized them from the training sessions of SHIELD members he participated in. As part of the higher ranks of the organization they have more specific training regimes geared towards the development of their own skill sets, but they still join the regular training sessions of the other employees as a ways of assessment as well. The Irie siblings showed real potential in the assessments at the end of each month, and Yamada was looking forward to working more with them and watching them improve.

“For the final assignment for this meeting, Yamada-kun will be assigned to a surveillance and protection program of the Nakajima siblings,” Yabu said, his voice quiet as he said the last three words.

Yamada’s head shot up in surprise. “What?” he said faintly, staring at Yabu in disbelief.

No matter how much pep talk Chinen gave him earlier, nothing will ever prepare him for this.

Chinen shifted in his seat, and everyone at the table was looking at him for his sudden outburst. Yabu fidgeted and looked down at his list, though Yamada could swear that his division leader was doing everything just to avoid his gaze.

“You will be assigned to look out for suspicious entities that may cause harm to the siblings, and will act as a personal bodyguard to protect them as they go along their daily lives,” Yabu said, staring hard at his list. “Though there has to be certain arrangements made for the protection of the older sibling as a sudden change of plans—”

“I know what a bodyguard is,” Yamada interrupted. “Why am I being assigned to them?”

“They had to let go of their former bodyguard because we found out he was a spy that may be connected to Risutora. Also the younger one is still in kindergarten, so he needs to be taken care of,” Ninomiya answered.

“Isn’t there someone else more suited for the job?” Yamada said. Across the table, Ryutaro and Shintaro were looking at Yamada in surprise—they weren’t around long enough to understand why Yamada was shaking so bad or disagreeing so vehemently. Shida and Kamiki were quietly staring at Yamada throughout the exchange, mirror expressions of concern on their faces.

“Your assessments have been consistently promising and I felt that you’re perfect for the job,” Ninomiya said, his eyes fixed on Yamada. Yamada did not let the surprise of the news that their executive director had personally picked him and assigned him as he stood up.

“Well sorry to burst your bubble, but I don’t want to do it,” Yamada said, his voice shaky. “Please assign someone else more worthy of protecting these people.”

“I beg your pardon?” Ninomiya said. Yamada could feel Chinen pulling hard at the bottom of his hoodie but he ignored his friend, standing up and laying his palms flat on the table.

“I don’t want to do it,” he said flatly.

“Well, sorry to burst _your_ bubble, but I’m the boss here,” Ninomiya shot back. “The decisions are final and have been submitted and approved by the higher ups.”

“Then you just have to make a new decision to not assign me to them, then,” Yamada said stubbornly. He knew he was acting like a spoiled brat right now, but it was his only alternative as opposed to grovel on his knees.

“Yamada Ryosuke,” Ninomiya said slowly. “Is this how you show your gratitude to SHIELD? By acting like an ungrateful little jerk?”

Yamada flinched. “That’s not what I meant,” he said, biting his lip.

“Then what do you mean then?!” Ninomiya said, his voice rising in volume. “SHIELD has high hopes for you despite the events from six years ago—”

Ohgo dropped her pencil. It rolled loudly in the sudden silence, resting to a gentle stop next to Yamada’s shoe.

“If you know what happened six years ago, then you know why I don’t want to do this,” Yamada said quietly.

“I know,” Ninomiya said just as quietly. “And it’s the same reason why I chose you for this assignment. I know you can do it, Yamada. You can prove yourself—”

“What, of how much of a failure I am?!” Yamada said, unable to keep himself from shouting. “I don’t know if this is a new form of bullying, but I am not interested. This is not one of your computer games, Ninomiya-kun. I’m sorry for being rude, but I don’t want to lose another life for such a wrong idea like you thinking I can correct what I did all those years ago.”

“You don’t know that!” Ninomiya said, now standing up as well and taking the same pose as Yamada—hands on the table, body leaning towards the other person. His voice had only marginally raised in volume, but with the expression on his face he may as well have been shouting. “There is a reason you’re still in SHIELD. This is your chance to prove it.”

Something wet coursed down Yamada’s cheek. He touched his cheek and wiped away the offending tear before looking up at Ninomiya.

“I can’t do that,” he said. “And nothing would change. Everyone is still dead.”

The last thing he saw before he stalked out of the room and slammed the door behind him was Yuto’s face, an expression he didn’t understand written all over it like he was an open book to the world.

Yamada didn’t care anymore.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the overdue chapter! I've been busy the past few weeks... months... anyway, I've decided to join another exchange and I'm running out of time (as usual) so I thought I needed a bit of fresh air and a change of scenery from the thing I'm writing and decided to come back to this project! We got to meet a lot of new characters, as well as the dynamics of SHIELD as an agency and as a group of very different individuals. A lot of my initial research went into this chapter, and it's awesome how to shape different AUs into one solid AU fit for my plot! It's an exercise for creativity as well in the way that I choose to adapt things in line with the universe these characters in while keeping their core qualities strong. I hope everyone enjoys reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Please feel free to drop comments or kudos if you like! If you want to receive Twitter updates about the fics I'm writing or when they get posted (when I actually finish writing something... anything...), you can all follow the @nightbaron079 account! I also entertain questions there and such, or if you're interested at me yelling about idols and Japanese entertainment with slice of life tweets in between, you cann also find me on Twitter at @ScribbleMyDream !


	4. Ginpatsu-niichan

Yamada let his body go on autopilot, pulling the hood of his jacket over his head as he quickly exited the Jimusho. He ignored everyone who tried to talk to him on his way out and on the street, keeping his head down and his eyes trained on the ground.

He had to get away from everyone.

He had to get away from everything.

But he couldn’t help himself. At the mention of the Nakajima siblings, his survival instincts moved without abandon, trying to help him run away as far away as he could from having to do anything about them.

It’s been six years, and still all Yamada wanted to do was run away.

Snippets from the meeting flashed through his mind, and he winced at the thought of how he would face everyone else when he gets back.

He wasn’t looking forward to the punishment he would probably get.

 

Dimly, he was aware that he had reached a small park near the Jimusho’s whereabouts. It was relatively empty, the families and children with their respective playgroups still probably enjoying peaceful Sunday mornings.

Probably not like the Sunday morning Yamada had experienced.

 

His train of thought was interrupted when he felt something small collide into his knees. Yamada let out a soft “oof” as he felt something relatively small and round barrel into his stomach.

“Ow!” he heard a small voice say. He looked down to find a little boy sprawled on the ground, his elbows braced on the dirt. “That hurt…”

“Aah, sorry!” Yamada hurriedly kneeled down on the ground in front of the child, extending a hand to help him stand up. “I’m so sorry! I wasn’t paying attention,” he said in earnest. “Are you hurt?”

The boy sat up and patted at his arms and knees and all over his now dirt-smudged clothes. “No broken bones. I think I’m okay,” he said, looking at Yamada and nodding solemnly before reaching for Yamada’s hand.”I’m not _that_ fragile, mister.”

Yamada couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled up the boy to a standing position. He moved from a kneeling to a crouching position, brushing away as much dust from the child’s arms, legs and clothes as he could. “I think I prefer ‘nii-chan’ or something,” he said to the kid with a smile. “I’m not that old.”

“I already have an onii-chan! He’s the best in the world!” the boy proudly declared before staring thoughtfully at Yamada. “But if you promise not to replace him, I guess I can call you nii-chan too.”

“Looks like I have tough competition to beat,” Yamada said. “But you can really just call me nii-chan, it’s fine. I’ll not replace your nii-chan though. Family is the best.”

The boy nodded his head vigorously. “Right! And my nii-chan is the best!” he said with a smile. “How old are you then, nii-chan?”

“I’m twenty-four,” he said. The boy held out both his hands in front of him, a frown scrunching up his face adorably.

“How many hands and fingers is that?” he asked.

Yamada held both his hands out. “Give me your hands?” he said. The child readily placed his hands on top of Yamada’s outstretched palms, and he marveled on how tiny they were compared to his own. Slowly he raised the little hands palms up before gently turning them over.

“Two hands make ten, and two more hands make twenty,” he said. He raised the boy’s right hand and folded the thumb into the palm. “One more hand with a hidden finger makes four. Put them all together then you get my age.”

The boy giggled at Yamada’s explanation. “Wow~ you explained it like my niichan did!” he said, clapping his left hand on to Yamada’s free hand. “You’re the same age too!”

“Really?” Yamada asked. The boy nodded again, pointing at the discrete SHIELD symbol at the chest of Yamada’s hoodie.

“He has a jacket like that one!” he said with a beam.

“Really?” Yamada said, this time in surprise. He let go of the child’s hand and held him gently on the shoulders. “Do you know what this symbol means?”

The boy nodded. “Un! It’s for SHIELD, right?” he said, looking proud that he remembered correctly.

Yamada nodded slowly, looking around that no one else was listening to them. “Yes it is,” he said. “But promise this nii-chan something?”

The boy tilted his head. “Promise you what?” he said.

Yamada smiled reassuringly. “Next time, don’t tell anyone about this symbol, okay? Even if somebody asks you about it, or ask  if you know anything about SHIELD.”

The boy pouted. “Eh, why can’t I do that?” he asked in confusion. “SHIELD is cool and they help people! Shouldn’t you be proud that you’re part of it?”

Yamada thought for a moment before smiling and motioning the boy closer.  The boy eagerly leaned forward and Yamada cupped his hand to the boy’s ear.

“SHIELD is one of the biggest kept secrets in the world, so let’s make it a secret that we know it, okay?” he whispered. He drew back and raised his eyebrows as a silent question. The boy’s eyes brightened (as any kid would at the mention of a secret) and nodded his head with all the enthusiasm of his age.

“I promise! Pinky swear!” he said, holding out his little hand with the pinky finger extended to Yamada’s direction. Yamada smiled and hooked his little finger with the boy, sealing the promise.

“Say, I never did ask your name,” he said to the child. He smiled widely, holding out his hand to Yamada.

“I’m Raiya~ I’m one hand old!” he said, holding out his other hand and showing five fingers to Yamada.

Yamada smiled and shook his hand. “It’s very nice to meet you, Raiya-kun,” he said. “Sorry I knocked you down earlier.”

Raiya shook his head. “It’s okay! It’s not just your fault anyway! I was running fast!” he said.

They exchanged a grin before Yamada stood up, dusting off the dirt that had accumulated on his pants. The boy peered up at him, staring at Yamada’s head.

“Nii-chan! Your hair is white!” Raiya said, his eyes wide. “You’re really old! I haven’t seen a person as old as four hands and four fingers with hair that white!”

Yamada laughed out loud, patting Raiya on the head and looking around the park. “Where are your parents anyway?” he asked. “Didn’t they teach you that you shouldn’t talk to strangers?”

When he didn’t hear a reply, Yamada looked down to see Raiya toeing at the ground.

“Raiya-kun?” he asked. The boy mumbled something quickly that Yamada didn’t catch, and he crouched down again to look at him straight in the eye.

“Raiya-kun? Where are your parents?” he asked. The boy frowned.

“I don’t have parents. Niichan said they died in an accident when I was a baby,” he said slowly. He looked up at Yamada. “Is that bad?”

Yamada silently kicked himself in the head for being so tactless as he shook his head. “No! No it isn’t. I don’t have parents too,” he said with a sad smile. Raiya patted Yamada’s elbow, the highest he could reach.

“It’s okay, Ginpatsu-niichan,” he said solemnly. “Things will be okay. I’m sure they’re watching over you in heaven, like my niichan said our parents are doing. They help keep me and my niichan safe.”

Yamada smiled at the nickname. “Thank you Raiya-kun,” he said, looking around. “But where is your nii-chan then? Did he buy you snacks?”

Raiya shook his head. “He said he had to go to work today so he had to go,” he said with a pout.

“And he left you here?” Yamada said incredulously. “Isn’t that a bit irresponsible?”

“No!” Raiya burst out, beginning to cry. “My nii-chan isn’t like that! He’s a good person!”

Yamada’s eyes widened, his hands fluttering all over the place in an effort to calm down the crying child.

“Take that back! My nii-chan isn’t like that!” the boy continued to wail out, placing his closed fists over his eyes.

“I’m sorry Raiya-kun, I shouldn’t have said that,” he said sincerely, cursing himself for his thoughtlessness. It’s been a long time since he’s had to calm down a younger sibling, and he had already forgotten how to deal with children.

Raiya continued to cry into his fists. Not knowing what else to do, Yamada picked up the crying child and cradled him in his arms. The boy curled up into him and placed his small head against the space between Yamada’s neck and shoulder, his sobs quieting down. Gingerly he rocked the boy back and forth, and bit by bit the cries were reduced into small hiccups until Raiya was just quietly snuffling against Yamada’s collarbone.

“I’m sorry, Raiya-kun,” Yamada said again softly. “I didn’t mean that. I shouldn’t have said that in the first place.”

“‘S okay if you said sorry,” Raiya mumbled, stretching a bit in Yamada’s arms and nuzzling into his neck. “Niichan told me never to hold grudges against people, especially when they’re really sorry.”

Yamada smiled. “Friends?” he said, holding his hand towards Raiya. The boy grinned and shook Yamada’s hand before letting out a small yawn.

“Are you tired?” Yamada asked. Raiya nodded his head sleepily and burrowed his head into Yamada’s shirt, one hand coming up to hold a bunch of fabric from Yamada’s hoodie in his fist.

“Where do you live? I’ll take you home,” Yamada said, shaking the boy for a bit. But Raiya was already asleep, his breath pleasantly warm against Yamada’s throat.

“LET GO OF HIM! SOMEBODY HELP ME! KIDNAPPER!” a female voice said. Yamada turned, Raiya still in his arms, to see a woman around his age running up to him. She had an apron with a felt cartoon tiger stitched up to the front, and wisps of her hair were already escaping from the tall bun she had tied on the top of her head. “Let go of that child or I'll call the police!”

Yamada shook his head quickly in denial, shifting Raiya in his arms so the boy could be more comfortable. “No, no, it’s all a misunderstanding! I just saw him here, please don't call the police!” he said to the female stranger as she approached. She came to a stop in front of him, leaning over with her hands on her knees as she coughed and wheezed for breath.

“Are you alright?” Yamada said uncertainly as she continued to seem like she had trouble breathing. She coughed once more as she waved a dismissive hand in Yamada’s direction, pulling out an inhaler from the pocket of her apron. Putting the inhaler into her mouth, she pressed a button that released the medicine inside the device and swallowed. As Yamada watched, her breathing gradually slowed down until the rise and fall of her chest was back to a normal rate. She straightened up and gave Yamada an apologetic smile.

“Asthma,” she explained, putting the inhaler back into her pocket. “I’m sorry for accusing you like that.”

Yamada shrugged. “It’s okay, I probably look suspicious anyway,” he said.

“No, you’re okay,” she said, then blushed. “I-I didn’t mean that in a weird way! It’s just that Raiya-kun is one of my students and he’s been missing for the past half hour.”

“Teacher? He has class today?” he asked in surprise.

She nodded. “Daycare, actually. Some schools, like ours, are open all week, especially for parents who work during weekends,” she said, reaching forward and gently patting Raiya’s back. “It’s a big help for parents who can’t leave their children to anyone else.”

Yamada nodded slowly, then hoisted Raiya higher up his arms without waking the boy. “Why was he in the park?” he asked.

Umika bowed apologetically. “It was my fault,” she confessed. “His playgroup was on naptime and I went back to the faculty room to look through some papers. When I got back his blanket and sleeping mat were empty.”

“It happens to the best of us,” Yamada said reassuringly. “Just please make sure he doesn’t do it again. He trusts people too easily, this kid.”

She laughed softly and nodded. “It’s one of his many charms,” she agreed. “He’s a very lovable child.”

He nodded and shifted Raiya into a more comfortable position in his arms. The movement jostled Raiya, and the boy frowned as he went and wrapped his arms loosely around Yamada’s neck.

“Nii-chan,” Raiya said in his sleep, making Yamada smile.

“Oh dear,” Umika said with a soft laugh, her hand still placed gently over Raiya’s back as she tried to wake him. “Raiya-kun? Come on, let’s wake up, you’re making this nii-chan tired.”

“I’m fine,” Yamada said, shifting once more so he was carrying Raiya with one arm while his other hand was wrapped around Raiya’s shoulders. “I can carry him back to your daycare if you want to.”

“Oh no, I wouldn’t want to cause more trouble,” she said hurriedly, holding up her hands and shaking her head.

Yamada shook his head. “It isn’t any trouble at all,” he replied. “I don’t have anything better to do. Also I’m scared he’ll wake up and start crying again. Let me carry him the rest of the way.”

She smiled. “Well, if you insist,” she said hesitantly.

“It’s fine, really,” he said, pausing and reading the name tag affixed to her apron. “...Kawashima Umika-san?”

She started and looked down at her nametag, as if forgetting it was there. “Okay,” she said with a smile. “Thank you… um, I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

“Yamada. Yamada Ryosuke,” he said, rubbing Raiya’s back as the child mumbled something in his sleep. “Though I guess I’m Ginpatsu-niichan too now.”

Umika smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Yamada-san,” she said with a small bow of her head.

They began the walk back to the daycare, which turned out to be five minutes away from the park where Yamada and Raiya met. Yamada and Umika traveled in relative silence, punctuated by the sounds coming from the sleeping boy in Yamada’s arms. Soon they reached the gates of a sprawling lot, the words “Himawari Daycare Center” in a bright sign at front with a mural of sunflowers surrounding it. Yamada insisted in carrying Raiya all the way to the room where the rest of the kids were huddled for their naptime.

“Raiya-kun’s sleeping mat is over there,” Umika whispered, pointing to a blue blanket decorated with small Iron Man figures all over. Gingerly, he unwrapped Raiya’s arms from around his neck and slowly lowered him to his sleeping mat. The moment Raiya’s back touched his sleeping mat, his eyes fluttered open.

“Ginpatsu-niichan?” he said, blinking rapidly and yawning. “What happened?”

“Shhh, it’s okay. You fell asleep,” Yamada answered. He pushed Raiya’s bangs away from the boy’s eyes. “You’re tired, you should go back to sleep.”

“Are you going away?” he said, his eyes said as he took in Yamada’s tone. “Will I see you again?

Yamada blinked up at Umika standing over the both of them and looked back at Raiya, unsure how he would reply. “Sure,” he finally said. “I’ll go visit you when I’m free.”

Raiya’s face brightened. “Really?” he asked excitedly.

Yamada quickly put a finger to his lips, looking around at the other sleeping children before turning back to Raiya. “But promise me something?”

Raiya nodded readily. “Okay!” he said immediately.

Yamada grinned conspiringly. “Remember to keep our secret earlier okay?” he asked. “And next time, don’t talk so easily to strangers. Don’t go with anyone you don’t really know, okay?”

Raiya nodded his head vigorously. “Roger!” he said, saluting Yamada.

Yamada returned his salute and ruffled his hair. “Okay, now go to sleep if you want to grow taller,” he said. Raiya sat up, his blanket bunched around his legs as he held out his pinky finger to Yamada.

“Promise you’ll go back and play with me?” he asked, a note of uncertainty in his voice.

“I promise,” Yamada said.

“Pinky swear on it,” Raiya insisted.

“Raiya-kun, you should really go back to sleep,” Umika said from behind Yamada.

Raiya looked resolutely at Yamada, his gaze unwavering. “Pinky swear,” he said.

Yamada hooked their pinky fingers together, putting his free hand to his heart. “Pinky swear, cross my heart,” he said solemnly. Raiya grinned and then yawned, stretching his hands over his head. Umika kneeled down next to Yamada and covered Raiya with the blanket, gently patting on the boy’s back at a steady, soothing pace until Raiya’s eyes fluttered close once again. His breathing evened out to the slow and steady rhythm of the sleeping, his pinky still wrapped around Yamada’s. Gently Yamada extracted his hand from the boy’s grip and stared at Raiya for a few moments before tapping the teacher’s shoulder.

“I should probably go,” he said in a whisper.

Umika nodded her head and tucked Raiya’s hand into the blanket before standing up. “Let me lead you out.”

Yamada shook his head. “Ah, it’s okay, I can show myself out,” he said.

“Let me do this,” she insisted. “It’s the least I could do.”

Yamada followed Umika’s quiet footsteps out to the entryway. Since it was Sunday they didn’t see much of anyone else, only a couple of teachers and one boy probably playing hide and seek, crouching behind one of the steel drinking fountains near the door with a sign on it saying “Faculty Room”.

When they reached the entryway and as Yamada was changing into his shoes, Umika bowed deeply at his direction once again. “I haven’t thanked you properly for finding Raiya-kun,” she said. “Who knew what could have happened to him if somebody else found a small boy wandering alone?”

“Really it’s no trouble at all,” he said, abashedly waving away her gratitude. “I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.”

“I’m really sorry for calling you a kidnapper,” she continued. “It’s really not nice to judge someone so fast. First impressions are important, after all.”

“So I really did look like a kidnapper?” he asked. She shook her head fervently.

“Not like that!” Umika said. She tilted her head and looked at him thoughtfully. “But you looked… mysterious. And a bit sad. Like you were looking at Raiya-kun like you were remembering something.”

Yamada paused, his left boot halfway on his foot as he looked at Umika with wide eyes. The girl noticed his expression and bit her lip.

“Sorry for being so nosy!” she said. “Somehow, all the words just came out...”

Yamada bowed his head and leaned down, intently tying his bootlaces with unnecessary force.

“Will you come and visit Raiya-kun again sometime?” she asked when he straightened up.

He looked at her and raised his eyebrow. “You shouldn’t be letting strangers into the daycare,” he replied. “For all you know, I could be dangerous.”

She smiled despite his gruff tone. “Dangerous people don’t smile the way you do,”she said.

A corner of his lips lifted as he turned to leave, looking over his shoulder. “You don’t know me,” he said quietly.

She pushed her hands into her apron pockets, mirroring his expression. “Maybe I know you enough.”

Yamada shook his head, pulling the hood of his jacket over his head.

No you don’t, he thought wryly to himself. I barely know myself.

“You have too much faith in me. We met like half an hour ago,” he replied instead. He heard her laugh before he turned and inclined his head towards her direction.

“It was nice meeting you, Yamada-san,” she said. He raised his head and gave her a half-smile.

“I’ll try and visit Raiya-kun some time,” he said, raising his hand and giving her a small wave before turning to walk away.

He didn’t turn back to see her waving at him until he became a tiny pinprick in the urban horizon against the setting sun and disappeared.

 

Yamada went back to aimlessly walking around the streets, zipping up his jacket and burying his face into the neck of his hoodie.

“There you are,” a familiar voice said somewhere from his right. He looked up to see Daiki leaning against a lamp post. Beside him seated on a park bench the new kid—Yuto?—stood up, watching Yamada with wary eyes as he approached.

“You didn’t need to follow me,” Yamada said with a frown, glaring at Daiki. “I’m not a criminal on the run.”

“Then please stop acting like one,” Daiki answered. “Everyone was upset when you suddenly left.”

Yamada averted his gaze, bunching his hands into fists inside the pockets of his jacket. “Did Ninomiya-san say something?” he asked.

“He didn’t sound angry before we left to go look for you,” Yuto said.

“I was talking to Daiki, not you,” Yamada said, glaring at Yuto. “Why are you here anyway?”

“I… volunteered to go with Arioka-kun?” he said, faltering in Yamada’s glare.

“Only that your assignment remains unchanged, and that you are to be formally introduced to the Nakajima siblings as their guard tomorrow evening,” Daiki said, eyes flickering towards Yuto’s direction with a warning in his eyes. “You’ll be escorted to their home where the final details will be discussed with their legal guardian.”

Yamada snorted. “So formal, Arioka-kun,” he said. “What would the prime minister want to do with me, anyway?”

“Yamada!” Daiki said in alarm, looking around to check that there was indeed nobody around. “Not so loud!”

“Calm down, Daiki, nobody’s around except for this one,” Yamada replied, pointing his thumb over at Yuto.

“I do have a name, you know,” Yuto said mildly.

“I don’t care,” Yamada replied. “We’re not friends anyway.”

Yuto frowned. “That’s because you won’t let me be friends with you,” he said. He stuck out his hand at Yamada. “Here. A handshake to signify the start of our friendship.”

Yamada couldn’t help  but laugh at the hand Yuto was offering. “Friends with you? Who are you anyway? I just met you,” he said. “I personally don’t want to get to know you more because that just sounds really weird and creepy, so shove it.”

Yuto tilted his head. His frown had melted away as he gazed thoughtfully at Yamada, his hand still extended towards him. “You don’t really mean that,” he said.

Yamada raised his eyebrow. “I think I do,” he said. “I just said it, if you didn’t notice.”

Yuto shook his head. “You’re not the mean tough guy you portray to people,” he said. “The truth is you’re probably acting like a bully because you’re hiding the fact that you have an actual heart and actual emotions.”

Yamada rushed forward and grabbed Yuto’s arm. In a quick motion, he twisted the taller guy’s wrist to his back, using the height difference to his advantage. Bracing his weight by holding on to Yuto’s shoulder with his free hand, he tightly grasped the thin but surprisingly fluid wrist.

“What the hell? Let go of me!” Yuto yelled, trying to reach backwards and grabbing at the thin air inches away from the hood of Yamada’s jacket, which had fallen away from his face in the commotion.

“Yamada, stop that!” Daiki said. “You’ll hurt him!”

“Maybe the pain will help him understand then!” Yamada growled out. “Daiki, shut up for a moment.”

“No fighting except in training! You’re causing a scene!” Daiki said, pulling at Yamada’s arm to make him let go. Yuto whimpered in pain as Daiki’s actions only pulled Yamada’s arm further, causing him to pull at Yuto’s arm tighter.

“Please let me go,” Yuto said in a pleading tone. Yamada’s grip tightened before roughly dropping Yuto’s wrist. The latter stumbled forward, holding his sore wrist to his chest and rubbing the faint red marks Yamada’s fingers had left. He looked at Yamada silently, eyes bright with something Yamada didn’t want to know.

“Nobody gets to dictate what or who I really am, especially people who just met me and think they know who I am,” he said, his voice low. “You may be a genius hotshot protege, but I don’t _care_. I worked hard to be the person who I am today, worked so hard to stay where I am and stay _alive_. Don’t you _dare_ talk like you know me, because you have no right to second-guess who I am.”

“Yamada, that’s enough,” Daiki said, walking forward to pat Yuto on the arm. Yuto nodded his head as Yamada stared at them in disbelief.

“You’re comforting _him_?!” Yamada said. “He started it!”

“Yamada,” Daiki said, giving a look that Yamada knew meant _not cool._

Yamada threw up his hands. “I give up,” he said. “Fine!”

He pulled his hood over his head and stalked past Daiki and Yuto. Yuto reached forward and grasped at Yamada’s shoulder as he was walking past.

“Yamada-kun, wait—” he said. Yamada shrugged his hand away and glared at Yuto with as much wrath that he could muster.

“Don’t touch me!” he said. The brightness Yamada saw in Yuto’s eyes dimmed and he continued walking, refusing to look back and refusing to let the guilt creeping up his throat win.

Yamada didn’t understand how three complete strangers managed to push his buttons today. Three people who barely knew him, and yet here he was walking away from all the emotions he was feeling that day.

The little boy with the trusting hands.

The girl with the warm smile.

The tall boy with the bright eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO AO3 ate my post the first time :c so here you go! We've just finished with a round of YYE, and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who participated in it, either as a writer, reader or both! You are all awesome!!! Head over [here](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/yyexchange2015/works/4713008) if you're curious about what I wrote this time! Be sure to check out all the entries for this round of YYE [here](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/yyexchange2015/works)! They're all awesome.
> 
> SO, we're back with another chapter and a couple of new characters! For purposes of this fic I changed Raiya's age, which I hope would make sense for everyone as the story comes along! I loved the challenge of writing from a child's point of view this time! So cute ;u; Thanks for everyone still reading and hello to first-time readers, and until the next chapter!
> 
> Feel free to drop a comment! You can follow @nightbaron079 for fic status updates, and I'm @ScribbleMyDream over at Twitter if you all want to chat! :D


	5. Breathing Exercises

He slapped his identification card onto the electronic scanner and fidgeted at the eerie blue-white light of the standard retina check that followed. There was a small click as the computer confirmed who he was, opening the door to the headquarters of the SHIELD agents residing in the Jimusho. He shoved the card back into his pocket and headed straight towards the training center and into the changing rooms.

It was almost clinical, the way his body automatically went through the motions of preparing for a training session. Shrugging out of his street clothes, he changed into a ratty shirt and gym shorts, also exchanging his heavy boots in favor of the more comfortable rubber shoes that Weapons Development had custom-made for his specific needs and measurements. Yamada also wrapped protective padding over his fists before picking up the gloves in his locker and shoving all his clothes inside the empty space. The metal locker door let out a satisfying loud _bang_ as he slammed it shut. He paused, bracing his hands at each side of the locker door and closing his eyes.

 _Breathe in. Breathe out_ , he told himself. _Clear your mind._

This was what he had done for the past six years.

Deep breaths are the only thing that grounded him to earth whenever his _episodes_ happened, as Chinen called them. Pain also helped, but he wasn’t eager about submitting himself to it as much as possible. So he resorted to physical training. The aftertaste left in his bones and muscles always helped in keeping the nightmares at bay.

Yamada knew they always came back, but it didn’t hurt to try. And try he did, all of those years. But he can never be sure when he closes his eyes at night if he would see the same nightmares he’s been trying to escape.

With a small sigh, he opened his eyes and headed out to the training center. He headed straight for the punching bags, but he found a ring of people he didn’t notice when he first went inside.

“...what’s happening here?” Yamada asked. Chinen and Kamiki turned towards him when they heard his voice. They were standing next to one of the treadmills hooked to dozens of multicolored wires, all feeding straight into Inoo’s laptop. He was biting his lip and staring rather intently at his laptop screen while a shirtless Hikaru ran at a steady pace on the treadmill,

“Oh, you’re back,” Chinen said. “Come on, we reserved you front row seats.”

“Don’t make it sound as if I’m a theme park attraction,” Hikaru said through gritted teeth.

“I’m very tempted to throw peanuts at you right now,” Chinen replied. “Or popcorn.”

“Shut up, you little twerp,” Hikaru replied, as Kamiki whispered, "We're not allowed to bring food into the gym... oh, that was a joke."

“Hikaru, stop talking, you’re messing up the results,” Inoo said, his eyes trained onto the laptop screen in front of him. Kamiki was helping Inoo take down notes in his tablet, though he met Chinen and Yamada’s gazes and gave them a little smile.

“Why are we doing this here, anyway?” Hikaru whined. “And why am I topless?!”

“Because the electric signals would transmit better if the device was connected to your bare skin—”

“Okay, okay, quit the science talk,” Hikaru hurriedly said. He glared at everyone else. “What are you all even doing here?!”

“I’m helping Inoo-kun!” Kamiki said, holding up his tablet in defense.

“And I can’t miss the show,” Chinen piped up. Inoo briefly looked up from his laptop to shoot a glare at Chinen’s direction for some reason before returning his attention to his screen and punching a long string of code into the keyboard.

“I didn’t even know you guys were here,” Yamada said. “I just came back from a walk.”

“Yes, Yama-chan, we all saw your _very_ dramatic exit, _we know_ ,” Chinen said. “You’re back earlier than I expected, though.”

Yamada flinched. “I’m sorry for acting like that earlier,” he said, bowing to everyone. Inoo spared a hand from his frantic typing to wave dismissively at Yamada’s direction.

“That’s okay, Yamada-kun,” he said. “It’s a natural reaction. These guys were also asking if you can withdraw from the assignment.”

Yamada looked at Chinen and Kamiki. “Really?” he asked, moved by their concern.

Kamiki nodded. “Mirai-chan was really angry you guys didn’t tell her,” he said to Hikaru and Inoo, managing to sound rightfully reproachful without being rude—Yamada has definitely got to learn how to do that.

“I think I understand though,” Chinen slowly said. He looked at Yamada. “She has more clout as Division leader, and if she heard about this beforehand the assignment might be delayed or canceled. I guess Ninomiya-kun didn’t want that to happen, all things considered.”

Yamada stared at Chinen. “Whose side are you on?” he asked.

“Nobody’s,” Chinen replied, tilting his head towards Yamada. “But I’m biased towards your well-being.”

“...And how is this helping that?” Yamada said.

“Because it’s bound to happen eventually, Yamada-kun,” Hikaru said. He had stopped running, and he stood still as Inoo began to remove the many wires and contraptions connected to him. “Better face your demons now.”

“You say that like it was the Nakajimas’ fault,” Kamiki said, again in that rightful-reproachful tone.

Hikaru shook his head. “No one deserves a sad life,” he said. “But all I’m saying is that this needs to happen, and it’s better that it’s happening now than some more years in the future in some Armageddon scenario.”

Yamada sighed. “Guess I don’t have much of a choice anyway,” he said. “Thanks for the back-up though.”

Hikaru winked at him and raised an arm still connected to a dozen wires to give Yamada a thumbs-up. “That’s my boy,” he said in approval.

Inoo slapped Hikaru’s bare bicep. “Shut up, I can’t concentrate,” he said. He looked at Yamada and gave him an apologetic smile that Yamada returned.

“Sorry, this guy likes to pretend like he knows what he’s saying,” Inoo said. Hikaru reached out and tugged quickly at Inoo’s hair for the jibe.

Inoo glared at him. “If you don’t stop I’ll crank this up to electric currents far beyond the capacity of the human body and tape them to your mouth,” he said. “And a few other delicate places I could think of.”

Hikaru smirked, wagging his eyebrows at Inoo. “Really? You think about my delicate places?”

Yamada groaned, Inoo and Kamiki blushing as Chinen delightfully said, “Gross, get a room!” Inoo opened his mouth to retaliate but closed it again, settling for hitting Hikaru on the head with his clipboard and ripping off the remaining wires taped to his body all at once.

“OW!” Hikaru yelped, jumping away and crossing his arms in defense at Inoo’s direction. “And watch it with that clipboard, I need my brain cells!”

“Just get dressed,” Inoo said, not even bothering to look up from the figures on his clipboard.

“I give up on this conversation,” Yamada announced, walking towards the nearby punching bags and strapping on his gloves. The rest of them laughed at his reaction, splitting off into groups of two. Inoo and Kamiki had their heads together, comparing data from the experiment that they just conducted. Yamada overheard Chinen ask Hikaru about the assignments in a low voice before he tuned all of them out, focusing his attention on the black leather sack in front of him. His hands went up, fingers curling closed to form twin fists, as he imagined an enemy’s face in front of him and took aim.

Yuto’s face appeared in his mind, making him stumble, miss his mark and the punching bag completely. He cursed under his breath as Hikaru and Chinen looked at him in surprise.

“Are you okay?” Hikaru asked him. “The punching bag’s right there.”

“I’m fine,” Yamada said, scowling at the unmoving hunk of stuffed leather hanging right in front of his face. “I just got distracted.”

Chinen’s eyebrows rose at his statement. “Maybe you should warm up first?” he suggested.

“I walked around for a bit before coming here,” Yamada replied, raising his gloved hands in front of his face again.

“That’s not enough of a warm-up,” Chinen said.

“Quit hovering, Chii, I’ll be fine,” Yamada said, stretching his arm and touching his glove to the punching bag to measure the distance.

Chinen frowned before shrugging, going to sit cross-legged on the tracks of the treadmill Hikaru had used earlier.

“Fine, don’t blame anyone if you begin hurting anywhere later,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Did something happen earlier while you were out?” Inoo asked. Yamada paused, his hand halfway to the punching bag at the sudden question.

“No,” Yamada answered too quickly.

“Dai-chan and the new kid went looking for you after the meeting was over,” Inoo said, not seeming to notice Yamada’s response. He wouldn’t even make eye contact with Yamada, still staring at the results from whatever the experiment had yielded. “Didn’t you see them at all?”

“Why is everyone being so parental over me today?” Yamada said, slamming his fist into the punching bag in frustration. No one answered his statement. Yamada saw Kamiki swallow and bow his head over his tablet. The insensitivity of his statement dawned on Yamada, and he bit his lip and bowed towards everyone.

“I’m sorry,” he said before raising his head and letting out a deep sigh. “It’s just that… I met someone.”

“Oh?” Inoo said, looking up from his clipboard. “This sounds like the start of a shoujo manga. Let’s hear it.”

Yamada couldn’t help but laugh a little. “No, no, it’s not what you think,” he said, pushing the punching bag so it swayed gently on its chain. “A kid bumped into me in the park when I was walking around while he was escaping from his daycare. Apparently he’s an orphan like us, and he’s a sibling of one of the SHIELD employees.”

“That’s weird…” Chinen said, gaze meeting Hikaru’s before flickering to Yamada. “Why is he at daycare? On a Sunday? I didn’t even know those are open on Sundays.”

“Right? I thought so too,” Yamada said. “It just seems a bit too careless. I mean, the kid escaped! Who knows what could have happened to him? He’s a really cute kid to boot.”

“Maybe an emergency came up,” Inoo said in a soothing voice. “We mustn’t be quick to judge, Yamada-kun. Not everyone has the same circumstances.”

“I understand,” Yamada said, eyes cast downwards as he remembered how sweet Raiya’s smile was. “I just got upset about Raiya-kun. Not to mention that new guy was being annoying.”

“Wait, hold up, what?” Kamiki said, shutting off his tablet and going to sit on a gym bench used for lifting barbells. “So you _did_ see Arioka-kun and Yuto-kun?”

“Yeah, just before I got here,” Yamada said, scowling as he remembered the conversation they had.

“What happened?” Chinen said, not even trying to be discreet about asking.

“We kind of got into an argument,” Yamada said. “He’s so… sunshine-y.”

Chinen let out a short burst of laughter. “And how is that a bad thing?” he asked.

Yamada huffed in annoyance. “Never mind,” he said, turning his back to the other SHIELD members. “It’s just weird, how he kind of outlined my personality like he did. I felt like I was being profiled. We haven’t even met properly.”

“You know each other’s names and faces,” Kamiki pointed out. “And he’s from Todai. Maybe he studied how to read people or something.”

Yamada turned back to face Kamiki. “That doesn’t give him permission to say things like he knows who I am,” he said, a hint of resentment barely obvious in his voice.

Kamiki’s shoulders rose and fell in a helpless shrug. “Maybe you met him before and you just really don’t remember it?” he said. Yamada shrugged as well and turned back to the punching bag, but just then there was a chorus of voices coming from the door of the training center. Yamada recognized the voices of the Morimoto siblings bidding goodbye to a third voice before they came into view.

“Yo,” Ryutaro said, hands slinged casually into the back pocket of his jeans. Yamada raised his hand in greeting amidst a chorus of hellos. Shintaro smiled at everyone, quickly bowing when he saw that Hikaru and Inoo were there as well.

“Uh, Yaotome-kun, why aren’t you wearing your shirt?” Shintaro said.

Hikaru grinned. “Fan service for the guy over there,” he said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at Inoo.

“Where have you guys been? I thought I told you guys I was going to explain your training regime?” Inoo said, walking forward and slamming down the clipboard on Hikaru’s head. “And put on your shirt already, you idiot.”

Hikaru clutched his head before making kissy motions at Inoo. Inoo raised his clipboard and he cringed, saluting to the people gathered in the training center before marching towards the locker and shower rooms without another word.

“Okay seriously you two, there is so much sexual tension between you I can cut it with a katana,” Chinen announced, raising his eyebrow at Inoo.

“Do you _want_ to be hit on the head with this clipboard too, or are you just feeling like being more annoying than usual?” Inoo said.

“I’m too cute to be hit by clipboards,” Chinen said with a cheeky grin. “Besides, just stating the facts, sir.”

“Now you choose to show respect,” Inoo said with a resigned sigh.

“I was in the mood,” Chinen said, stretching his arms over his head as Kamiki let out a small snort of laughter.

“Where have you guys been anyway?” Yamada asked the Morimoto siblings. “I heard you talking to someone before you went in.”

“We came from a meeting with Yabu-kun,” Shintaro explained. “We had to be briefed about the Irie siblings. He also said that you have to train with them as well, and he’s discussing your punishment for tomorrow.”

Yamada sighed, resigning himself to suicide runs at the very least (the drill names weren’t making him very eager to storm out of meetings in the near future, at least).

“Oh, and about the voice earlier, we met Yuto-kun on the way in,” Ryutaro said, unaware of the way Yamada’s shoulders had stiffened at the mention of the name. “He told us a bit about the new training regime. He had to go away right away though, he just wanted to tell us something before rushing off. Looked like he had an errand or something.”

“That kid is too excitable,” Inoo muttered. “So you know you’ll be part of the project he’s developing right?”

“Yeah, the God Complex Project right?” Ryutaro said. “He explained a bit about the details.”

“Oh, so that’s what you guys are calling it?” Yamada said. He had removed his gloves, giving up on the idea of training with all the people distracting him. At first he planned to sweat out all the jumbled emotions in his head and hope they rearrange themselves by the time he’s done and his muscles are complaining from the abuse, but everyone seemed bent on analyzing his emotional quotient today. Plus, he can’t seem to avoid the topic of the new SHIELD recruit.

He was barely a member and he was already everywhere.

_Great._

“Yeah, that’s what he said,” Ryutaro replied. “We have to go sign a bunch of experiment forms and get the full presentation ready for tomorrow—”

“Wait, what experiment forms?” Yamada interrupted.

“It’s for the medicine. Also something about serums and procedures—” Shintaro began.

“What procedures?” Yamada said. Shintaro, despite being taller than Yamada, pulled back from the intensity in Yamada’s face and voice.

“I-I don’t know yet, Yuto-kun said he’ll explain tomorrow—” he said, his voice faltering.

Yamada turned to Inoo. “What’s the meaning of this?” he asked.

Inoo sighed. “Yamada-kun, calm down,” he said, raising his hands in front of him.

“What the hell is this ‘God Complex’ crap you’re planning, Inoo-kun?” Yamada asked. 

Kamiki had stood up from the bench he was occupying and walked towards Yamada. “Yamada-kun, let’s not fight, okay?” he said in a low voice.

“What’s happening here?” Hikaru asked, returning from the changing rooms freshly showered and changed. He took in everyone’s wary expressions. “Is something wrong?”

“Can somebody explain to me what this God Complex thing is?” Yamada said, ignoring the restraining hand that Kamiki had put on his shoulder. “Why are we not informed of these serums and all these things? For all we know these could be dangerous.”

“The God Complex project is none of your concern, Yamada-kun,” Hikaru said, removing the towel covering his head and hooking it over his shoulder. “SHIELD agents who are not involved with the project will be given a cursory introduction after results have been proven—”

“And how are these results going to be proven then?” Yamada said.

“Experiments will be held in controlled environments that are guaranteed to be safe. We would have a team of experts on standby. They’re in safe hands, Yamada-kun,” Inoo said.

“But you’re still using my friends as lab rats!” Yamada said, shaking off Kamiki’s hold on his shoulder. “I’m sure this is unethical in some way.”

“When the experiment results are proven to be a success it would be easier for the IDEN pilots to operate the complex system that the machinery requires,” Inoo cut in before Hikaru could answer back. “We know what we’re doing, Yamada-kun. We’re not doing this lightly, and the members of Battle Class Horikoshi are as valuable to us as they are to you.”

“This doesn’t change the fact that he’s using actual people as test subjects,” Yamada said, ignoring the way Kamiki’s fingers are now digging into his shoulder. “How insensitive could he be? Using people with little to no family left as pawns of science?!”

“Everyone here’s an orphan, Yamada-kun,” Chinen said. In the midst of the argument he had stood up from the treadmill tracks he was sitting on and had walked forward to be part of the tense ring of standing people. He and Kamiki exchanged a look before Kamiki nodded, removing his hand from Yamada’s shoulder.

Chinen took hold of Yamada’s wrist, forcing Yamada to look at him. “We know you have issues with Yuto-kun right now, but I’m sure they’ll take care of Ryutaro and Shintaro,” he said. “They’re not doing this to hurt them on purpose, whatever you may think of him. We _understand_ , but please don’t be like this.”

“But why does he have to experiment on them?” Yamada said, gesturing towards a silent Ryutaro and Shintaro. “What if something wrong happens? You just can’t say sorry for that, these are people’s lives we’re talking about!”

“We’re doing this to make sure whatever happened six years ago will never happen again,” Hikaru said. His voice was quiet, cold eyes boring into Yamada. “No one wants that to happen ever again. Everyone in SHIELD regrets it, and we’ve been punishing ourselves for the past six years for losing so many people. I know these words seem empty for someone who isn’t family, but we’re truly sad to have lost Chihiro and Misaki. So please, give us some slack and let us help everyone do their jobs with no one dying on us.”

“Hikaru,” Inoo said, gripping Hikaru’s shoulder in a gesture similar to what Kamiki was doing to Yamada earlier.

But things have already been said.

Ryutaro and Shintaro had their heads bowed, afraid of meeting Hikaru’s gaze. Yamada bit his lip and looked down, pulling his arm out of Chinen’s now slack grip.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Stop saying that,” Inoo said. “It’s not your fault. We understand.”

“I have to say it,” Yamada said. “Or I’ll just hate myself more everyday.”

He exited the training center alone, trying not to feel the six pairs of eyes staring at his slumped back.

Shida and Ohgo looked up from dinner preparations when he opened the door to their living quarters.

“Yamada-kun?” Ohgo said, taking in his expression.

“What happened to your clothes?” Shida asked, setting down the salad bowl she was mixing in when he came in.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Are you alright? Mirai-chan’s making—” Ohgo said.

“I’m not hungry,” Yamada said, brushing past the two girls, their calls for his name falling to deaf ears. He reached his room and shut the door behind him, diving into his bed and burying his face in his pillow.

Maybe if he shuts out the rest of the world for today, he won’t end up disappointing more people than he already did.

 

An hour later, a gentle knock sounded on his door. Yamada pulled out his head from his pillow but stayed silent.

“Yamada-kun? Won’t you come out and eat dinner with us?” Ohgo’s gentle voice said from the other side of the door. After a few minutes with no reply she knocked for two more times.

“Yamada-kun, please talk to me,” came the soft voice from the other side of Yamada’s door.

Yamada raised his right hand and bit down on his index finger, stifling a sudden sob.

He did not say anything.

“I’ll keep your dinner in the refrigerator, okay? Come down and eat it if you’re hungry any time you want,” she said. Yamada thought he heard Ohgo sigh before the sound of her footsteps faded away. Sitting up, his eyes fell on the two picture frames on his desk.

On one picture, a dark-haired Yamada was standing next to a guy and smiling at the camera. The other guy had the same black training outfit Yamada was wearing; the only difference was the necklace he was wearing, a simple string of leather with a guitar pick hanging from it.

Okamoto Keito, he was called. They were training and miss partners, assigned on ground missions together when IDENs weren’t a necessity.

Past tense.

He remembered asking Keito about the necklace before.

_“It’s from my dad,” he had said. “It’s the only thing I have of him before he upped and left. I don’t have much memories of him, but I remember playing the guitar with him when he wasn’t drunk or high enough to function.”_

The necklace now hung around Yamada’s neck, a corner burnt from where he picked it up from the ground amidst the smoldering rubble of melted metal and concrete and what he guessed was Keito’s body before he collapsed

The other picture was of a still dark-haired Yamada standing in front of a shiny new IDEN unit, his arms hooked around the shoulders of two girls that had the same smile, the same nose and eyes that he had. They were his sisters Chihiro and Misaki, IDEN pilots of Battle Class Horikoshi.

Also past tense.

The Yamada siblings were the first people to ever man a three-pilot IDEN. It was a revolution on its own, since the technology to even make an IDEN suited for three pilots had not existed until then. The scientists and developers had been pleasantly surprised at how any combination from the siblings produced marvelous results, and they quickly set to develop a special IDEN for them. They all marveled at how suited they were to the machinery, quickly advancing in training in a matter of months that would usually take other people a couple of years to complete. The makers of the customized IDEN they had operated hypothesized that since the IDEN is responding to more brain synapses it should have been a disaster in the making, but further studies had determined that the Yamada siblings possessed a rare type of chromosome that makes their nerve responses faster than the average human being. The IDEN recognizes these brain signals and shortens the response time needed from operator to mobile suit. To be brought to it its full potential, the necessity of the creation of a new type of IDEN for the Yamada siblings was spearheaded and its manufacture sped up by the efforts and generous funding of SARI.

Until now, he still wasn’t sure if all his memories were real or if nightmares had infiltrated what little he remembered. The events from six years ago were made hazy by the month he spent recuperating in the hospital, pumped with miracle serums and test drugs that made a motley cocktail of his blood and grey matter and emotions. Until now, he could only remember the last fragments of that night six years ago when his whole life changed, but some details still stood out in stark detail.

The way his sisters’ voices sounded through his headset as they tried to fix the unexplained malfunctions of their IDEN, calm and commandeering and barely hinting at the thinly disguised layer of panic they had underneath.

The way the black smoke curled from the control panel of the IDEN as Chihiro and Misaki lay unconscious, still strapped to the configurators and looked like they were just taking a nap but for the blood beginning to pool on the floor by their side.

The way he could not feel his back, layers of his skin ripped from when he was forcibly ejected from the IDEN configurator he was connected to and flung out of the control center by pure inertia with a series of confused commands and instructions, as he ran towards the upturned car that his partner was driving.

The faint cries of a baby, loaded in a car seat and shielded by the body of his older brother as he half-pulled, half-carried them to safety. He was faint, but he remembered the older Nakajima’s labored breathing as he refused to let go of his brother until Yamada explained that he was there to help.

He may not remember his face, but he remembered the bright brave eyes, and the few words he uttered.

“Please get my brother first. He’s scared,” he said when Yamada reached the car, the older boy’s hands and voice shaky but clear.

“Thank you,” he had whispered when they had reached a safe distance before losing consciousness, arms still tight around his baby brother’s tiny body.

And lastly, the morbid collage that was the acrid smell of leaking fuel, smoke signals that foretold the series of unfortunate events, and the sarcastic bright flames of the death that followed the simultaneous explosion of the IDEN that still held Yamada’s siblings and the car that once carried the Nakajimas and his partner.

Two hunks of metal machinery, reduced to rubble and smoke and blackened sorry coffins for bodies who were not yet ready to be corpses.

Yamada was told that there weren’t enough of the bodies left for the graves.

Yamada sees every single memory in high definition that night, every excruciating detail replayed in the nightmare movie house of his mind.

Rinse and repeat.

Rinse and repeat.

 

_Rinse_

 

_and_

 

_repeat._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has long been put of hold because... well, life. //waves guiltily at everyone
> 
> I'm participating in this year's NaNoWriMo again, and due to a lot of unfortunate circumstances, I lost a lot of what I had already written for this story. With that in mind, I decided that I was going to try to rewrite my way back and get back into your good grace by posting! Also as a way of pressuring myself (in a good way!) to continue writing this story. I haven't been able to do much in lieu of fiction writing (fic or otherwise) in the gap year(s) I had taken in between this chapter and the last. My writing style may or may have not drastically changed. I hope it is for the better, and I hope to give this story justice! I hope to give the readers, both old and new, justice as well! Thank you for stopping by!
> 
> Feel free to drop a comment! You can follow @nightbaron079 on Twitter for fic status updates, and I'm @ScribbleMyDream over at Twitter if you all want to chat! :D


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